[JE AU] giving back to the kids
giving back to the kids!
JE | AU, crack | Ryo, Jin, Kame, cameo!Yamapi
Disclaimer: I own jack.
Summary: The tragic early careers of minor idols, or, Ryo is a dick.


Ryo often wonders how things would have been different if he'd auditioned for Johnny's Entertainment instead, but it's not until his manager cuts a deal with the Ministry of Education that he seriously considers getting out of his contract.

"Sex education videos," says Akanishi Jin, slowly, as though four-syllable words are bombs to be handled with minimal tooth and lots of tongue.

"I don't remember a clause in my contract requiring that I peddle my ass," Ryo calmly replies, because a sexy Osaka man does not raise his voice.

"Actually, we'd like to cast you as 'Chinnchinn-kun*," Jin corrects him, pulling out a fuzzy, bright pink package from under his desk. A sticker on the front shows the penis costume in all its glory.

Ryo stares. And stares some more. When Jin doesn't dissolve into giggles, he is forced to believe his manager isn't fucking kidding.

"... because who better to tell teenagers where to stick it than an idol dressed as a penis tripping on acid?"

Jin's tongue is poking from the corner of his mouth as he draws a smiley face on Chinnchinn-kun's face with apple-green marker.

"No getting out of this one Ryo-chan~! The new minister specially requested you. Think of it as a compliment to your viral-virul - what's that word?"

"Virility?" Ryo bites out.

"Yes!" Grinning, Jin balls up the costume and lobs it across the desk - he shoots, he scores!

Ryo looks between the flamingo monstrosity occupying his lap and the shit-eating smile on his manager's face; quietly, he wonders if his grandmother's dire deathbed warnings were right and Tokyo is, indeed, hell on earth.

"Did he say that, specifically."

"Well, no," Jin begins, and then the door slams open with a flurry of cheap leopard print shopping bags and unseasonal flannel slung over torn jeans. Ryo notes sourly that, after four months of two-timing his dramas and sneaking off to film a horror movie, Kamenashi Kazuya looks no less anorexic than ever.

"SORRY I'M LATE," Kame gulps, collapsed against the doorframe while Ryo wonders whether it's possible to break from breathing too fast. "TRAFFIC, tire, fangirls, um."

Ryo smirks. "Fangirls, huh. Very professional, Kamenashi, but is there a reason you're crashing my groupie party? Without even bringing beer, for shame!"

Jin clears his throat and folds out a chair for Kame, reaching under his desk again for an electric blue, vinyl package.

"See, that's the other thing. The minister of education requested Kame, too, as Condom-chan."

He rummages through the top drawer of his desk for a moment, then, giving up, upends the contents in a shower of candy-colored plastic squares. Each has a messily scrawled sketch of Kame's face, mouth open in a grin, one eye winked shut, the words 'A-OK!' marching across an ear.

"A ha!" Jin whoops, and, pulling a Jolly Rancher pop from somewhere in the stack of condoms, sucks on it happily while he flips through a script, reading dramatically.

"Chinnchinn-kun was a total loser with the girls at his high school, until he teamed up with Condom-chan! And then he was a total stud! KAPOW-POW!" Miming a pistol, Jin aims at first Ryo, then Kame, before straightening behind his desk, pulling the candy out of his mouth with a sad pop as his expression becomes serious.

"Of course, we could do it Yamapi's way where Ryo gets Kame pregnant and then turns all the Yakuza sent by Kame into pigs, but I just don't think that'll connect with the kids, you know?"


Notes:
* - According to highly reliable sources, "chinn-chinn" is penis in colloquial Japanese.

All blame goes to wordshapes for her amazing moral support. Also, huge thanks to summertea for asking awkward questions in the name of.. science. ♥♥♥!